So i had a god awful run this morning and i’m still really upset with the fact that my knees are still fucking hurting even though it’s definitely not as bad as last month. This whole day, I keep thinking about stuff like “what if i’ll never be able to run like i used to again? what if i’m stuck with these injuries for a really, really long time?” I know I shouldn’t be filling my head with all these negative thoughts but I can’t help it. I may look calm on the outside but honestly I’m still totally freaking out right now.

I’ve been struggling with the shin splints since end of november, ran through it because i thought it’s just sore / bone bruise, dying at running camp, took a week off in the beginning of january, ran again only to find out that the pain of my shin was still really bad and it’s from shin splints AND injured my knee-itb in a training session, had 6 fucking weeks off from running which included freaking out in emergency room, x-ray, multiple visits to physio which is freaking expensive and didn’t really solve the problems, working out for 2-4 hours a day at the gym to keep my fitness level up while everyone else in the squad is running really well. it’s basically my longest total FML moment. then started running again 2 weeks ago with knees and shins still hurting, some improvement last week but knees were still kinda hurting, one almost-pain-free and not-so-measly run on monday and i thought i’m finally free from this whole damn thing then BAM knees hurting again today. How can i not be upset??

I seriously don’t want to still be injured on my birthday (4th march), that would be absolutely my worst birthday ever! Not that I’m too psyched about turning 20… But actually I already registered for a “fun” run (this was before i got injured) on 7th because racing seems to be a nice thing to do to celebrate my birthday and i don’t think i’m gonna be able to do it now. And cross country season will begin in 2 months, I already skipped the rest of track season because of my stupid shin splints & itbs and for fuck’s sake i don’t want to skip cross country too!! And how am i supposed to reach my goals with these stupid weak legs?!

To conclude this rant: WHY THE FUCK I GOT INJURED THIS BAD WHILE I’M JUST A MEDIOCRE RUNNER I DON’T DESERVE THIS I LOVE RUNNING MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER AWAY FROM ME I DON’T EVEN CARE IF I’M CURSED TO BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND GROW OLD ALONE I JUST WANT TO RUN AGAIN AND KEEP IMPROVING AND BE ABLE TO DO MY BEST.

Thanks if anyone is reading this.